Feed My Vanity

Just like any doting parent who has a child that only a parent could love, I can say that my friends are abso-effin-lutely the best! Meaning, our jokes tend to bewilder people. Hahaha. I just came home from a food trip girl date with a friend. Here are a couple of excerpts from our conversation.

Scene: Dressing room while trying on dresses

Friend: Gaddemet, look at these arms!

Me: (voice muffled) What?

Friend: (points to her arms) It’s Lake Flaccid!!!

****

Scene: Starbucks

Me: Being in a relationship isn’t always that cracked up to be. I mean, we’ve known our siblings our whole lives and we still find reasons to kill them. How much more to someone you’re not related?

Friend: I view relationships like I view swimming. You’re all excited to get into the pool… “Yippee!!! Swimming!”… and then once you get there. Oh, water, more water…swim swim… water.

****

Anyway, yeah, I only posted twice in June. That’s because I had a big business trip I had to attend to. Will make up for lost time/posts this month! :)

The other day I stumbled on an article saying that couples with healthy relationships, does in fact, talk about the exes. According to the article, this helps in determining why the past relationship ended without comparing your ex with your current.

Aha! A reason to dig up the past without the need to fish! *evil laugh*

So I tried it out (after all, our relationship was on the line).

Over beer. Hehehe.

Me: Out of all the girls you’ve told me about, the ones I don’t like the most are RabbitFace and OilyWhatsherfes

Bf: What? You don’t like them more than Knocky?

(of course he didn’t say Knocky, but we need codenames obviously! His friends were actually the ones who gave her that nickname. In Filipino we call somebody with a few screws loose May Katok or “Knocky” in English.)

Me: I don’t like Knocky. But at least she was an obvious evil. You knew she was bad for you. Your friends and your families knew she was an evil. Plus, she knew what she wanted. Stupid and selfish it may have been.

But RabbitFace and Oilywhatsherfes? They’re gray areas. They may seem nice (or may even be genuinely nice) on the surface, but never in a million years will they admit to manipulating you.

Me: *scratches chin, takes a swig of beer* hey, never saw it that way! But yeah, you’re right.

Oilywhatsherfes, RabbitFace and I would have been friends in another dimension. They are generally liked by people, hey, they may even be the one who held your hand while you were boo-hooing over a love story gone horror. But everyone likes a little flattery once in a while, and flattery needs encouragement too.

Okay, let me put it this way, they were flattery-encouragers. I myself did it when I was single.

I’m not exactly sure how I can explain my point which is really embarassing. But these are some of the things that are never really spoken of, it’s just there. If you’ve read “Haunted” by Chuck Palahniuk you’d get what I mean about “carrots in the air”.

It’s not really appropriate to mention where that phrase originated. Basically, what it means, it’s that uncomfortable “it” hanging in the air when you’re pretending things are normal. Like if you’re a guy and you’re gay and your parents kind of feel it that you are, but you haven’t told them yet but you’re still informing them that you have a date for tonight without telling them that you’re date’s name is Andre.

Am I making sense?

It’s the same with Oilywhatsherfes and RabbitFace, they would flirt with my now boyfriend pretending that they’re not and acting surprised when informed that the boyfriend is taking an interest on them. I prefer Knocky. At least you’ll know she’s a bitch even though you don’t have 20 / 20 vision.

When there’s smoke, there’s fire. But it would be nice to see the fire itself right of the bat, that way, you know immediately when to make a run for it.

I work in a place where headturners strut around in little shorts and boots (no, not THAT place), where the first question asked when you apply is “how tall are you?” and beauty more or less counts. Recently, I recruited a male friend to join our team to help us with marketing collaterals. He was eventually offered the job but turned it down because his current company raised his salary to meet our offer (lucky bastard).

A few months afterwards he told me: “I’d have to wear blinders to work there! You know, the blinders they put on horses?”

Me: Hahaha, yeah, I get what you mean.

Him: Magkakasala lang ako (I will just sin). Hahaha.

Note: He has a long-time girlfriend.

Me: You a$$, ang di pagkakita eh iba naman sa di pagpansin. (not looking is different from ignoring!)

Hahaha. So dear readers, when it comes to potential cheating, which is worse?

As seen on somebody’s shirt today: “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” hahaha.

For the longest time I’ve suspected I’m a straight female with a guy’s outlook. Here’s something I recently observed about girls:

Before meeting fabulous moi, my boyfriend went out with a couple of not-as-fab gals who took advantage of his gentle giant demeanor (think Aidan Shaw) and stringed him along to satiate their need for guy attention. Well, they didn’t know that the reason why he wasn’t calling them was because he found fabulous me, and when they did find out (through facebook, ahh the wonders of online communities, of course I HAD TO post our gag-inducing pics), I found variations of this message in his inbox:

“You look so happy now, I’m so happy for you.”

It was all right after the first two variations of this message, but then they had to reiterate that they were happy he’s happy. What the hell right? I mean, come on girls, I’m a girl too (last time I checked)! Why do girls do these? Why do they have to indirectly say that hey, they’re okay too? It’s not as if his happiness was an extension of yours. Call me paranoid but this is how the “You look so happy now, I’m so happy for you” / “I’m so happy to see you’re happy” / “You look so happy now… I’m happy that you are” translates to:

“Ouch! I turn my friggin’ back for a second and now you’re with some dumb bitch who probably doesn’t know that you had and still has the hots for me! Poor girl, she doesn’t know that you’re just going out with her because you can’t have me. And who do you think you are anyway with your broad shoulders and cute smile? Oh hell, nobody loves me, but I’m going to post photos of myself with that cute guy to make you regret it. ”

Aidan Shaw of Sex & the City

Maybe I’m just reading too much into this and I’m a hypochondriac bitch to even blog about it. But then why these messages? It’s a girl thing, I’m not even the jealous type, but I know when a girl is checking out my guy. I don’t mind MOST of the time, if anything, it’s an ego-booster knowing I’m going out with a hot guy. But somehow I can feel that those girls were looking for a bad boy for the meantime, not the gentle giant that potentially screams forever.

I think one factor is sadly, being childish. It’s just plain wanting something that you only see the value when it is given away.

How do I know they were thinking of that? Trust me, I know.

I’m a girl.

My theory of the day: “If appendage enlargers really do exist, there will be less male egocentrics in the world to exterminate”.